Unlike A Prisoner In Florida, I Will Never Stick Cigarettes Up My Ass

CRESTVIEW – An inmate accused of stealing another man’s cigarettes was busted when they were found in his anus.

Correctional officers were tipped off when they stripped searched him and noticed part of a blue latex glove protruding from his orifice.

Officers ordered the 18-year-old Niceville man to remove the glove from his butt.

Six Marlboro cigarettes, with the filters removed, were inside the glove, according to his Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office arrest report.

Addiction can be rough. There’s no question about that. One minute you’re smokin cigs to look cool as hell in front of your friends. It works too. You hear some teens walk by and say, “Whoa. That dude is rippin butts? Dont fuck with him. He must be a badass.”

In that moment whilst wearing your leather jacket, (it’s faux leather actually but no one knows) you feel like a bad ass. You take another pull on your cigarette and toss it in the street. An officer sees.

You find yourself under arrest for your third violation of the city’s littering code. You’re in county lockup. No smoking allowed. Fuck.

You see that someone has a little bit of contraband under their mattress. It’s some sweet sticks of tobacco and buddy are you ever jonesing. But, where will you hide the hoons when you get them? Ah. Nature’s man wallet. The butthole.

You reach for a set of kitchen gloves and try to shove them up your ass. The gloves are too thicc. It wont work. But then you see a thin set of latex gloves so you shove all six butts in your butt and continue playing spades with your best jail friends.

“Who’s got the hoons!?” you hear someone yell from the back of the room.

“Baby Baby. It’s the only sweetest thing in the world,” the rest of the common area retorts mishearing what was said. They thought the gentleman said hooch in reference to the 1998 smash hit Who’s Got The Hooch by Everything.

“No, you idiots! Hoons. Cigs. Talkin butts!”

Next thing you know, the entire cell block is getting strip searched. You have a blue turkey tail hangin from your anus. You’ve been fingered. Phrasing. You’ve been caught. Now you’re down one friend, six cigarettes, a set of kitchen gloves, and another blue latex glove. Not your day. Not your day at all. Worst part is that you have the 1998 smash hit Who’s Got The Hooch by Everything stuck in your head. Takes forever to get that thing out unlike the blue latex glove which you removed in but an instant.